Well, I Was Feelin' Sad And Feelin' Blue,

I Didn't Know What In The World I Was Gonna Do,

Them Communists They Wus Comin' Around,

They Wus In The Air,

They Wus On The Ground.

They Wouldn't Gimme No Peace. . .



So I Run Down Most Hurriedly

And Joined Up With The John Birch Society,

I Got Me A Secret Membership Card

And Started Off A-walkin' Down The Road.

Yee-hoo, I'm A Real John Bircher Now!

Look Out You Commies!



Now We All Agree With Hitlers' Views,

Although He Killed Six Million Jews.

It Don't Matter Too Much That He Was A Fascist,

At Least You Can't Say He Was A Communist!

That's To Say Like If You Got A Cold You Take A Shot Of Malaria.



Well, I Wus Lookin' Everywhere For Them Gol-darned Reds.

I Got Up In The Mornin' 'n' Looked Under My Bed,

Looked In The Sink, Behind The Door,

Looked In The Glove Compartment Of My Car.

Couldn't Find 'em . . .



I Wus Lookin' High An' Low For Them Reds Everywhere,

I Wus Lookin' In The Sink An' Underneath The Chair.

I Looked Way Up My Chimney Hole,

I Even Looked Deep Inside My Toilet Bowl.

They Got Away . . .



Well, I Wus Sittin' Home Alone An' Started To Sweat,

Figured They Wus In My T.V. Set.

Peeked Behind The Picture Frame,

Got A Shock From My Feet, Hittin' Right Up In The Brain.

Them Reds Caused It!

I Know They Did . . . Them Hard-core Ones.



Well, I Quit My Job So I Could Work Alone,

Then I Changed My Name To Sherlock Holmes.

Followed Some Clues From My Detective Bag

And Discovered They Wus Red Stripes On The American Flag!

That Ol' Betty Ross . . .



Well, I Investigated All The Books In The Library,

Ninety Percent Of 'em Gotta Be Burned Away.

I Investigated All The People That I Knowed,

Ninety-eight Percent Of Them Gotta Go.

The Other Two Percent Are Fellow Birchers . . . Just Like Me.



Now Eisenhower, He's A Russian Spy,