My Mummy Says I′m A Miracle
My Daddy Says I'm His Special Little Guy
I Am A PrincessAnd I Am A Prince
Mum Says I′m An Angel Sent Down From The Sky

My Daddy Says I'm His Special Little Soldier
No One Is As Handsome, Strong As Me!
It's True He Indulges My Tendency To Bulge
But I′m His Little Soldier!
Hop, 2-4-3!

My Mummy Says I′m A Miracle
One Look At My Face, And It's Plain To See
Ever Since The Day Doc Chopped The Umbilical Cord
It′s Been Clear There's No Peer For A Miracle Like Me!

My Daddy Says I′m His Special Little Soldier
No One Is As Bold Or Tough As Me
Has My Daddy Told You
One Day When I'm Older
I Can Be A Solder
And Shoot You In The Face!

One Can Hardly Move For Beauty And Brilliance These Days
It Seems That There Are Millions Of These One-in-a-millions
These Days
Special-ness Seems De Rigueur
Above Average Is Average - Go Figure
Is It Is Come Modern Miracle Of Calculus
That Such Frequent Miracles Don′t Render Each One Un-
Miraculous

My Mummy Says I'm A Miracle
One Look At My Face, And It's Plain To See
Ever Since The Day Doc Chopped The Umbilical Cord
It′s Been Clear There′s No Peer For A Miracle Like Me!

My Mummy Says I'm A Precious Barrelina
She Has Never Seen A Prettier Barrelina
She Says If I′m Keen, I Have To Cut Down On The Cream
But I'm A Barrelina, So Give Me More Cake!

Take Another Photo Of Our Angel In That Costume That I Made
The Role Of Tree Has Never Been Portrayed With Such
Convincing Sway
That′s Right, Honey, Look At Mummy!
Don't Put Honey On Your Brother
Smile For Mummy; Smile For Mother!
I Think She Blinked
Well, Take Another!

Have You Seen His School Report? He Got A ′C' On His
Report
What?!
We'll Have To Change His School. His Teacher′s Clearly
Falling Short
She′s Just Delightful
So Hilarious And
Insightful
Might She Be A Little Brighter Than The Norm?
I Know To Boys It's Frightful Form!

My Mummy Says I′m A Miracle
One Look At My Face, And It's Plain To See
Ever Since The Day Doc Chopped The Umbilical Cord
It′s Been Clear There's No Peer For A Miracle Like Me!

My Mummy Says I′m A Miracle
That I'm As Tiny And As Shiny As A Mirror Ball
You Can Be All Cynical, But It's A Trust Empirical
There′s Never Been A Miracle, A Miracle, A Miracle As Me!

Look, Is This Gonna Take Much Longer, Doctor?
I′ve Got A Plane To Catch At Three
I'm Competing In The Bi-Annual International
Amateur Salsa And Ballroom Dancing Championships In Paris!

You′re Getting On A Plane, Mrs Wormwood?

Oh, Yeah! I've Been Training Four Hours A Day For The Last Two Years, And I Can Tell You One Thing:
If Jennifer Littleton Thinks She′s Walking Off With The Coveted Golden Shoe This Year
She's Got Another Think Coming. I′ve Got A Secret Weapon: Rudolpho
He's Part Italian, You Know. Very Supple. He Has Incredible Upper-body Strength

I Think We Should Have A Talk

So, What Is It? What's Wrong With Me?

Mrs Wormwood, Do You Really Have No Idea?

Wind?

Mrs Wormwood, I Want You To Think Very Carefully
Now, What Do You Think Might Be The ′cause Of This?

Imma... Imma... Uh, Look, Amma Fat?

Mrs Wormwood, You′re Pregnant

What?!?!

You're Going To Have A Baby

But I′ve Got A Baby! I Don't Want Another One!
Isn′t There Something You Can Do?

You're Nine Months Pregnant!

Antibiotics Or... Oh, My Good Lord! What About The Golden Shoe?

A Baby Mrs. Wormwood, A Child, The Most
Precious Gift The Natural World Can
Bestow Upon Us Has Been Handed To You
A Brand New Human Being, A Life, A Person
A Wonderful New Person Is About To Come
Into Your Life And Bring You Love And
Magic And Happiness And Wonder
Oow! Bloody ′ell!

Every Life I Bring Into This World Restores My Faith In Humankind
Push Mrs. Wormwood, Push!
I'll Push You In A Minute!
Each New-born Life, A Canvas Yet Unpainted...
This Still Unbroken Skin...
This Uncorrupted Mind...

Every Life Is Unbelieavbly Unlikely
The Chances Of Existence
Almost Infinitely Small
The Most Common Thing In Life Is Life
And Yet Every Single Life
Every New Life Is A Miracle! Miracle!

Where Is He? Where Is My Son?

Mr Wormwood, Are You Smoking?

What? Oh, Of Course Doctor, What Am I Thinking?
This Calls For A Proper Smoke

Who Won? Was It Jennifer Littleton?
Maybe I Can Get A Later Flight Or Something

Mrs Wormwood, Please Stay Where You Are
As I Keep Telling You, You Are In No Shape To Dance The Tarantella

Oh, My Word, He's An Ugly Little Thing, Ain′t He?

His Is One Of The Most Beautiful Little Children I′ve Ever Seen!

You Need Glasses, Mate, He Looks Like A Prune!
Oh, My Good Lord, Where's His Thingy!

What?

His Doo-dah. His What-dya-ma-call-it. What You Done With His Thingy?

This Child Doesn′t Have A... "thingy", Mr Wormwood

What?!? A Boy With No Thingy? Look What You Done, You Stupid Woman, This Boy's Got No Thingy!

Mr Wormwood, This Child Is A Girl. A Girl! A Beautiful, Beautiful Little Girl

Just Put Me Out Me Misery, Was It Jennifer Littleton Or Not?

Of Course It Was Jennifer Littleton

This Is The Worst Day Of My Life!

Oh, My Undercarriage Doesn′t Feel Quite Normal
My Skin Looks Just Revolting In This Foul Fluorescent Light
And This Gown Is Nothing Like The Semi-formal
Semi-Spanish Gown I Should Be Wearing In The Semi-finals Tonight

I Should Be Dancing The Tarantella
Qui Mon Fella Italiano
Not Dressed In Hospital Cotton
With A Smarting Front Bottom
And This...
Horrible...
Miracle!
Smelly Little-
Miracle!
Weakly Little Ball Of Fat!
What The Hell Was That?
Will Someone Give This Thing A Bottle?
Or Swap It For A Later Model?

Why Do Bad Things Always Happen To Good People?
Fine Upstanding Citizens Like You And Me?
Why When We've Done Nothing Wrong...
Should This Disaster Come Along?
This Horrible, Weird Looking...
Hairy Little Stinky Thing
With No Sign Of A Winky-ding At All

Miracle, Miracle, A Miracle; Every Life′s A Miracle
Beautiful Miracle I Have Ever Seen...

I Can't Find His Frank And Beans...

Every Life Is Unbelieavbly Unlikely
The Chances Of Existence, Almost Infinitely Small
The Most Common Thing In Life Is Life
And Yet Every Single Life, Every New Life Is A Miracle!
Miracle! Miracle!

My Mummy Says I'm A Miracle
One Look At My Face, And It′s Plain To See
Ever Since The Day Doc Chopped The Umbilical Cord
It′s Been Clear There's No Peer For A Miracle Like Me!

My Mummy Says I′m A Miracle
That I'm As Tiny And As Shiny As A Mirror Ball
You Can Be All Cynical, But It′s A Truth Empirical
There's Never Been A Miracle, A Miracle, A Miracle As...

My Mummy Says I′m A Lousy Little Worm
My Daddy Says I'm A Bore
My Mummy Says I'm A Jumped-up Little Germ
That Kids Like Me Should Be Against The Law
My Daddy Says I Should Learn To Shut My Pie Hole
No One Likes A Smart-mouthed Girl Like Me
Mum Says I′m A Good Case For Population Control
Dad Says I Should Watch More TV