Waldo Jeffers Had Reached His Limit. It Was Now Mid-August Which Meant That He Had Been Separated From Marsha For More Than Two Months. Two Months, And All He Had To Show Was Three Dog-eared Letters And Two Very Expensive Long Distance Phone Calls. When School Had Ended And She'd Returned To Wisconsin, And He To Locust, Pennsylvania. She Had Sworn To Maintain A Certain Fidelity, She Would Date Occasionally, But Merely As Amusement. She Would Remain Faithfull.



But Lately Waldo Had Begun To Worry. He Had Trouble Sleeping At Night And When He Did, He Had Horrible Dreams. He Lay Awake At Night, Tossing And Turning Underneath His Pleated Quilt Protector, Tears Welling In His Eyes. As He Pictured Marsha, Her Sworn Vows Overcome By Liquor And The Smooth Soothing Of Some Neanderthal, Finally Submitting To The Final Caresses Of Sexual Oblivion. It Was More Than The Human Mind Could Bear.



Visions Of Marsha's Faithlessness Haunted Him. Daytime Fantasies Of Sexual Abandon Permeated His Thoughts. And The Thing Was They Wouldn't Really Understand How She Really Was. He, Waldo, Alone, Understood This. He Had Intuitively Grasped Every Nook And Cranny Of Her Psyche. He Had Made Her Smile, And She Needed Him, And He Wasn't There. (ahhh....)



The Idea Came To Him On The Thursday Before The Mummers' Parade Was Scheduled To Appear. He Had Just Finished Mowing And Etching The Edelsons Lawn For A Dollar Fifty And Had Checked The Mailbox To See If There Was At Least A Word From Marsha. There Was Nothing More Than A Circular From The Amalgamated Aluminum Company Of America Inquiring Into His Zoning Needs. At Least They Cared Enough To Write. It Was A New York Company. You Could Go Anywhere In The Mail.



Then It Struck Him, He Didn't Have Enough Money To Go To Wisconsin In The Accepted Fashion, True, But Why Not Mail Himself? It Was Absurdly Simple. He Would Ship Himself Parcel Post Special Delivery. The Next Day Waldo Went To The Supermarket To Purchase The Necessary Equipment. He Bought Masking Tape, A Staple Gun And A Medium Sized Box, Just Right For A Person Of His Built. He Judged That With A Minimum Of Jostling He Could Ride Quite Comfortably.