I've Had My Pet
Since I Was Nine Years Old
I Loved Him And Fed Him
But One Day He Attacked
I Knew He Didn't Love Me Back
So I Grabbed Him Like A Football
And Punted Fifty Yards

Now I Hate Pets
Take Yourself To The Vet
Now I Hate Pets
Dolphins Trapped In Little Nets
Now I Hate Pets
You Little Fucking
Screaming Shit-bag
I Should Of Let Your Mother
Eat You, Little Fucker

So I Got A Little Birdy
And I Trained It Everyday
He Knew 1000 Words
But Then He Flew Away
But Then I Got Him Back
The Fucker Wouldn't Shut His Trap
So I Took Him To The Bathroom
And Rubbed His Beak In Shit

Now I Hate Pets
Spotted Owls In Their Nests
Now I Hate Pets
Bagged A Deer And Made A Vest
Now I Hate Pets
Birds And Bees And Bears And Bison
Pigs And Parrots And Pandas
I Fucking Hate Them All!!!

I Was Walking Through The Park
When A Snake Peered From His Hole
A Perfect Opportunity
To Take The Bastard Home
I Chopped His Fucking Head Off
With My Handy Garden Hoe
And Made A Lovely Hat-band
For My Redneck Cousin Bo, Heee-haaw!

Now I Hate Pets
10,000 Volts To The Chest
Now I Hate Pets
Fed My Cat Some Cigarettes
Now I Hate Pets
You Little Fucking
Screaming Shit-bag
Bastard
Fuck You, You
Fucking Pig-shit Licker, Fuck!!!!!!