(Spoken)

Good Evening, I'm From Essex

In Case You Couldn't Tell

My Given Name Is Dickie,

I Come From Billericay

And I'm Doing Very Well



Had A Love Affair With Nina

In The Back Of My Cortina

A Seasoned Up Hyena

Could Not Have Been More Obscener

She Took Me To The Cleaners

And Other Misdemeanours

But I Got Right Up Between Her

Rum And Her Ribena



Well, You Ask Joyce And Vicki

If Candy-floss Is Sticky

I'm Not A Blinking Thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm Doing Very Well



I Bought A Lot Of Brandy

When I Was Courting Sandy

Took Eight To Make Her Randy

And All I Had Was Shandy

Another Thing With Sandy

What Often Came In Handy

Was Passing Her A 'Mandy'

She Didn't Half Go Bandy



So You Ask Joyce And Vicki

If I Ever Took The Mickey

I'm Not A Flipping Thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm Doing Very Well



I'd Rondez-vouez With Janet

Quite Near The Isle Of Thanet

She Looked More Like A Gannet

She Wasn't Half A Prannet

Her Mother Tried To Ban It

Her Father Helped Me Plan It

And When I Captured Janet

She Bruised Her Pomegranet



So You Ask Joyce And Vicki

If I Ever Shaped Up Tricky

I'm Not A Blooming Thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm Doing Very Well



You Should Never Hold A Candle

If You Don't Know Where It's Been

The Jackpot Is In The Handle

On A Normal Fruit Machine



So You Ask Joyce And Vicki

Who's Their Brickie

I'm Not A Common Thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm Doing Very Well



I Know A Lovely Old Toe-rag

Obliging And Noblesse

Kindly, Charming Shag

From Shoeburyness



My Given Name Is Dickie

I Come From Billericay

I Thought You'd Never Guess



So You Ask Joyce And Vicki

A Pair Of Squeaky Chickies

I'm Not A Flaming Thicky

I