[Spoken]
Folks, I'd Like To Sing A Song About The American Dream. About Me. About You. The Way Our American Hearts Beat Down In The Bottom Of Our Chests. About The Special Feeling We Get In The Cockles Of Our Hearts, Maybe Below The Cockles, Maybe In The Sub-cockle Area. Maybe In The Liver. Maybe In The Kidneys. Maybe Even In The Colon, We Don't Know.

I'm Just A Regular Joe With A Regular Job
I'm Your Average White Suburbanite Slob
I Like Football And Porno And Books About War
I've Got An Average House With A Nic Hardwood Floor
My Wife And My Job, My Kids And My Car
My Feet On My Table, And A Cuban Cigar

But Sometimes That Just Ain't Enough To Keep A Man Like Me Interested
(Oh No) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've Gotta Go Out And Have Fun
At Someone Else's Expense
(Oh Yeah) Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

I Drive Really Slow In The Ultrafast Lane
While People Behind Me Are Going Insane

I'm An Asshole (He's An Asshole, What An Asshole)
I'm An Asshole (He's An Asshole, Such An Asshole)

I Use Public Toilets And Piss On The Seat
I Walk Around In The Summertime Saying, "How About This Heat?"

I'm An Asshole (He's An Asshole, What An Asshole)
I'm An Asshole (He's The World's Biggest Asshole)

Sometimes I Park In Handicapped Spaces
While Handicapped People Make Handicapped Faces

I'm An Asshole (He's An Asshole, What An Asshole)
I'm An Asshole (He's A Real Fucking Asshole)

Maybe I Shouldn't Be Singing This Song
Ranting And Raving And Carrying On
Maybe They're Right When They Tell Me I'm Wrong

Naaaah!

I'm An Asshole (He's An Asshole, What An Asshole)
I'm An Asshole (He's The World's Biggest Asshole)

[Spoken]
You Know What I'm Gonna Do? I'm Gonna Get Myself A 1967 Cadillac El Dorado Convertible, Hot Pink With Whaleskin Hub Caps And All Leather Cow Interior And Big Brown Baby Seal Eyes For Headlights, Yeah! And I'm Gonna Drive Around In That Baby At 115mph Getting One Mile Per Gallon, Sucking Down Quarter Pounder Cheese Burgers From McDonald's In The Old-fashioned Non-biodegradable Styrofoam Containers And When I'm Done Sucking Down Those Grease Ball Burgers, I'm Gonna Wipe My Mouth With The American Flag And Then I'm Gonna Toss The Styrofoam Container Right Out The Side And There Ain't A God Damned Thing Anybody Can Do About It. YOu Know Why? Because We Got The Bombs, That's Why.

[Spoken]
Two Words. Nuclear Fucking Weapons, Okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - They Can Have All The Democracy They Want. They Can Have A Big Democracy Cake-walk Right Through The Middle Of Tiananmen Square And It Won't Make A Lick Of Difference Because We've Got The Bombs, Okay?! John Wayne's Not Dead - He's Frozen. And As Soon As We Find The Cure For Cancer We're Gonna Thaw Out The Duke And He's Gonna Be Pretty Pissed Off. You Know Why? Have You Ever Taken A Cold Shower? Well Multiple That By 15-million Times, That's How Pissed Off The Duke's Gonna Be. I'm Gonna Get The Duke And John Cassavetes...
(Hey)
And Lee Marvin
(Hey)
And Sam Pekinpah
(Hey)
And A Case Of Whiskey And Drive Down To Texas...
(Hey, You Know You Really Are An Asshole)
Why Don't You Just Shut-up And Sing The Song Pal!

I'm An Asshole (He's An Asshole, What An Asshole)
I'm An Asshole (He's The World's Biggest Asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E

[Barking]
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung Achng Tum A Fung Tum A Fling Chum
Oooh Oooh

[Spoken]
I'm An Asshole And Proud Of It!