(James Beavers/Steven Beavers/Barry Poole)

Well, Lordy, Mercy, I's In A Mess,
My Wife Run Off With My TV Set,
Didn't Bother Me None That She Had To Go,
'Cept I's Gonna Miss All My TV Shows.

So I Looked Up To Heaven, Got Down On My Knees.
An' I Cried: "Dear Lord, Will You Help Me, Please."
"I Need A TV By Tomorrow Night,
"'Cos Rick Flare's Involved In A Talent Fight."

Well I Guess My Tytheing Finally Paid Off,
'Cos Early Next Mornin' Shoulda Seen What I Saw.
Reached In My Overhorse For My Inhaler,
'Cos There's A Big Brown Box There, Right In My Trailer.

I Used My Truck Keys, Cut Open The Box,
I Was Hopin' For A Sony Or A Microbox.
I Looked At The Name And Thought: "Oh My Gosh!
"This Must Be A New One Called Macintosh."

Well My Last TV Was A Whole Lot Wider,
But This'n Here Come With Its Own Typewriter.
It Had All The Letters From A To Z,
I Guess You Just Type In What You Wanna See.

Well I Thought I Punched Up: "You Done Help,"
But The TV Screen Said World Wide Web.
Then I Broke Out In A Cold, Cold Sweat:
I's The First Redneck On The Internet.

He Was The First Red Neck On The Internet,
A Bona Fide, Countrified, Cyber-threat.
He Went On Line Just One Time,
And Now They Won't Forget,
The First Redneck On The Internet.

It Was All So New, I Shoulda Taken My Time,
But I Slammed That Mouse Up In Four-wheel Drive.
Last Time I Did So Much Pointin' And Clickin'
I Had A .22 Rifle Shootin' At Chickens.

Then, All Of A Sudden It Occurred To Me,
The Power I Had With This Fancy TV.
I Could Get Back At My Ex-wife,
With The Touch Of A Button, I Could Ruin Her Life.

So I Got The Number Off Her Mastercard,
I Bought A New Lift Kit And Four New Tyres.
Then, I Got On Line To Her Bank Account,
Went Ahead And Closed That Sucker Out.

I Had Her Power And Her Water Shut, Slap, Off.
The I Sent An E-mail To Her Dead Plain Boss,
Lettin' Him Know That She Told Me,
She'd Have His Job By The End Of The Week.

He Was The First Red Neck On The Internet,
A Bona Fide, Countrified, Cyber-threat.
He Went On Line Just One Time,
And Now They'll Never Forget, (Won't Forget.)
The First Redneck On The Internet.

Now The Moral Of The Story, As A Matter Of Fact,
In A Couple Of Days I Got My TV Back.
She Said She'd Like To Come Back, As Well.
I Told Her To Go Straight To AOL.

Now, Thank The Lord That The UPS,
For Droppin' That Box At Cledus' Address.
If They Ever Wanna Find Him, It Won't Take Long,
Type Www.cledus.com

To Reach The First Red Neck On The Internet,
A Bona Fide, Countrified, Cyber-threat.
He Went On Line Just One Time,
And Now They'll Never Forget, (Won't Forget.)
He Was The First Red Neck On The Internet.
The First Red Neck On The Internet.

Hey Buck, P'preciate Your Help. You ARE The Man.

World Wide Web, Population Four Zillion. Cy Hoot