I Was Brought Up In Tafetta Dresses
And Taught To Be Pretty And Precious
Spending My Playtimes WithPlastic Princesses
Who All Had Those Bodies!
Just Utterly Ludicrous
Minuscule Waists And Huge Boobs
And It′s All Nipple-less And No Pubes
And No Creases, I Mean, Jesus
It's Pretty Confusing
Especially At Six

In That Fairytale World All The Girls End Up
Happy Ever After
Wooing Their Knights In Shining Armor
But Some Nights Down The Track
You Can Bet They′ll Be Trapped
Spending Nights In, Shining Armor

While Their Knights Spend Their Nights At A Bar
Or At A Ball With Some Harlot
I'm Not Bitter
It's Just Better That I Don′t Fall For All That
Romantic Bullshit Now That I′m Older
Although I Don't Mind The Thought Of Being
Tossed Over A Shoulder
And Trotted Off To A Mansion
By Some Ruggedly Handsome
Man In A Fireman Helmet
And Have Him Just Use Me For Sex
As I Say
It′s A Little Complex

One Day, Some Day, My Prince May Come
But It Doesn't Seem Likely
But Even If He Came And He Liked Me
It′s Likely
He'd Be
Not Quite
My Type

Some Day, They Say
He′ll Come Ridin' Up On The Back Of A Horse
But, Of Course, I'm Allergic To Horses
How Will I Tell Him?
He′ll Just Have To Sell Him

I Went To School With A Girl
I Remember Her Well
She Was Pretty Smart
And Pretty As Hell
Her Folks Had A Farm
But She Wouldn′t Stay, Of Course
She Wanted Prince Charming
So She Went To L.A., Of Course

Managed To Seduce A
Famous Actor Or Producer
Shacked Up In A House In The Hills
With A Cat And A Juicer
And A Fancy Car
And A Tennis Court
But The Guy Wasn't Quite
The Catch She′d Thought She Caught

He Treats Her Like Trash
Then You Know The Drill
Takes His Cat And His Cash
And Finds Some Younger Girl
So She's Left With This Stupid Corvette
And An Empty Swimming Pool
Which She Fills With Regret
Smart Girl, But Kinda Of Dumb

And I′d Rather Be Lonely
Than Sit On My Fanny
Waiting For My Prince To Come

One Day, Some Day
He'll Come Sweeping In And Sweep Me Off My Feet
And Spend The Next Four Decades
Wanting To Cheat On Me
Getting Less Handsome
And Fighting His Dragons

He′d Know What To Wear
He'd Have A Full Head Of Hair
And His Eyes Would Be Brown
Or Blue
Or Green
Well, I Don't Care
And His Body Would Be Toned With Those
Pecs Like You Get At The Gym
But He Won′t Spend All Of His Time At The Gym
And He′ll Love Reading Books
He'll Be An Excellent Cook
He′ll Be Good Looking
But Not Too Aware Of His Looks
He'll Be Tender, But Tough
And Smart, But Not Smug
And Attentive, But Not Fawning
And He′ll Smell Good In The Morning
And He'll Dance

And Like Hiking
And Baking And Biking
I′m Not Picky, I Just Ask
That He Likes Me, And I Like Him
And I'd Rather Be Alone
If The Only Other Option
Is To Come And Settle Down
With Some Condescending Clown
With A Great Rating From Some Dating Service
Some Self Professing Mr. Perfect
Another Narcissistic Legend
Made A Million Out Of Hedge Funds
Another Sexually Ineffectual
Self-obsessing Metrosexual
Pseudointellectual
Getting Drunk And Existential
Every Time The Steelers Lose A Game
Thanks, But Perhaps Some Other Day

One Day, Some Day, My Prince May Come
But I Won't Hold My Breath
There′s Only Divorcees, And Weirdos Left
And Weird Is Fine
But Not All The Time

One Day, Some Day, My Prince Will Come
So The Fairytale Said
Thirty Years Later It′s Still In My Head
That If I Screw A Frog
I Will Wake In A Four-poster Bed

There Was A Day With A Girl (There Was A Day)
I Remember It Well (With A Girl)
Her Name Was Jenean
Or Jenna
Or Joelle (It's Joelle)
We Drank Piña Coladas
Watched The Sun Setting Over The Bay
(Watched The Sun Setting Over The Bay)
We Made Love In The Sand (We Made Love In The Sand)
And When We Were Through (When We Were Through)
We Went Back To Her Room (Back To My Room)
And Watched Ghostbusters II (Ghostbusters II)
Smoked Half A Joint (Smoked Half A Joint)
And Ate Half A Pound Of Pâté (It Was Way Too Much Pâté)
Why Couldn′t That Be My

One Day (One Day, Some Day)
I'll Cut Down On Fried Chicken Takeaway (one Day)
My Doctor Said One Day My Heart Will Stop Tickin′
Unless I Cut Down On That Chicken
I Will Do It

One Day, I'll Stop Drinking So Much
I′ll Stop Dating Guys Who Are 20 Years Older
I'll Get A New Safety Clip For My Holster
It Opens Too Quick
I'll Do It Next Week

One Day, I′ll Get A New Coffee Maker
Some Day, I Will Buy Her A Ring
One Day, Death Will Come To Everyone (everyone)
One Day, I′ll Learn How To Sing

One Day (These Endless First Dates)
Some Day (that Starts With Her Hating Me)
My Prince May Come
But It Just Doesn't Seem Likely
That I′m Gonna Get Her To Like Me

Phil, You Bought Me Candy!
I Bought You Candies
Can I Get In Your Panties Now?

One Day (It's Not Enough)
Someday (I′ve Had Enough)
I Will Wake In The Arms (I'm Not Enough)
Of An Actual Man (I′m Not Your Fictional Man)
Who Will Love Me For All That I Am (I'm Just Me, I Can't Be Any More That I Am)
With All That He Is (This Is All That Ther Is)

Ok, Phil, We′re On In 5, 4, 3, 2 (One Day! One Day!)
Ok, Phil, We′re On In 5, 4, 3, 2 (One Day! One Day!)
Ok, Phil, We're On In 5, 4, 3, 2 (One Day! One Day!)
Two
What′d Ya Know, It's Groundhog Day

Tomorrow, Spring Will Come And Then
There Will Be Blue Skies, My Friend
Bright Eyes And Laughter

Tomorrow, There Will Be Sun (You Can Curse, Cast Spells)
But If Not Tomorrow (Or Cry)
Perhaps The Day (Offer Your Prayers To The)
Unfeeling Sky
The Spring Will Arrive
When The Winter Is Done
And If It′s Not Tomorrow

Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow
Then Tomorrow