Aquarius


There's Travel In Your Future When Your Tongue Freezes To The Back Of A Speeding Bus


Fill That Void In Your Life By Playing Whack-A-Mole Seventeen Hours A Day


Pisces


Try To Avoid Any Virgos Or Leos With The Ebola Virus


You Are The Tru Lord Of The Dance, No Matter What Those Idiots At Work Say


Aries


The Look On Your Face Will Be Priceless When You Find That Forty Pound Watermelon In Your Colon


Trade Toothbrushes With An Albino Dwarf, Then Give A Hickey To Meryl Streep


Taurus


You Will Never Find Tru Happiness - What You Gonna Do, Cry About It?


The Stars Predict Tomorrow You'll Wake Up, Do A Bunch Of Stuff, And Then Go Back To Sleep


That's Your Horoscope For Today (that's Your Horoscope For Today)


That's Your Horoscope For Today


That's Your Horoscope For Today (that's Your Horoscope For Today)


That's Your Horoscope For Today


Gemini


Your Birthday Party Will Be Ruined Once Again By Your Explosive Flatulence


Your Love Life Will Run Into Trouble When Your Fiance Hurls A Javelin Through Your Chest


Cancer


The Position Of Jupiter Says You Should Spend The Rest Of The Week Face Down In The Mud


Try Not To Shove A Roll Of Duct Tape Up Your Nose While Taking Your Driver's Test


Leo


Now Is Not A Good Time To Photocopy Your Butt And Staple It To Your Boss's Face, Oh No


Eat A Bucket Of Tuna-flavored Pudding, Then Wash It Down With A Gallon Of Strawberry Quik


Virgo


All Virgos Are Extremely Friendly And Intelligent - Except For You


Expect A Big Surprise Today When You Wind Up With Your Head Impaled On A Stick


That's Your Horoscope For Today (that's Your Horoscope For Today)


That's Your Horoscope For Today


That's Your Horoscope For Today (that's Your Horoscope For Today)


That's Your Horoscope For Today


Now You May Find It Inconceivable Or At The Very Least A Bit Unlikely That The Relative Position Of The Planets And The Stars Could Have A Special Deep Significance Or Meaning That Exclusively Applies To Only You, But Let Me Give You My Assurance That These Forcasts And Pre